A transit in Jugiong

Have you ever felt that you suddenly out of breath because of an abrupt unfamiliar feeling that crept inside your heart? Your eyes started to stare at an empty space by instinct, the corners of your eyes started to trace that empty space from left to right and vice versa. Still … all you can found is emptiness with a tinge of coldness. There is/are something out there that frightened you but you don’t know what; it is unseen by your eyes but your instinct tell you the opposite and you know that you can trust it like you always do in years.

You felt that it is the beginning of something unknown. You look back and try to find the solace in your friends’ eyes. But anxiety and doubt are all that you can found; although he have gone through this kind of things so many times. Then and there you realize that you’re instinct was right because you have seen that look in his eyes before. Never had he explained to you what it is - but you knew that the cold feelings that you had whenever he had that look had sumtin to do with it.

Dreading for the unknown you ask the companion of your friend although you knew it wouldn’t get rid of whatever it is. Jokes that use to summons hysterical laughter suddenly turned sour, but you still try to offer a slight smile out of your lips and try not to look to your front because what is unknown has creeping more and more inside your heart.

You told your friend to go in reverse but there’s no way else then to do a u-turn. Still you insist, despite all the obvious impossibility because you knew … you just knew. But what is impossible is still impossible. As he does the u-turn you felt helpless and frightened like a little child, you closed your eyes hoping that when you opened them you will wake up in your bed and this is all only a nightmare.

But its not … and it made you startled for the rest of the nite…

End Note

I suddenly remember this experience from my road trip 3 years ago with my friends; Mr. Ice cream cone, Idio and Beruang Cupu”. Who would knew that a trip that started with sumtin so horrific could turned into one of the most memorable and unforgettable moment of my life? Never had I ever experienced moments like those again in my life…

BTW this all happened in a town called Jugiong which located on the Hume Highway, NSW. Out of curiosity, years later I searched the net for some info on the town and it turned out that the city does have some history ...

Never a dull moment

Beside the helps from my MIL and SIL, I would say the next great help during this hari raya would come from my MAC Studio Fix powder foundation. Since the day my maid gone to her hometown for mudik lebaran, the house chores plus the never ending bottle washing and sterilizing had dominated my days. You never know that bottle washing could be so tiring … yes it could be especially if you done it at 3 o’clock in the morning. This plus the lack of sleep, of course, has made me lookin like a walking zombie due to my unbelievably dull face and not to mention the come back of the panda eyes and dark circles.

Phew … thank god to the miraculous Studio Fix that I bought during the hari raya trip to PS, I can switch my self esteem button back on. It delivers what it promises; a powder and foundation that will provide you with good coverage yet easy to apply. This is totally what I need, an express solution to my problem … all I need to cover up my dull face is a layer of this powder and you will not found any trace of tiredness and the lack of sleep from my face.

Not to mention the weather was extremely hot during the hari raya week! I keep on blotting my face every 10 min or so … bear in mind I DO NOT have an oily face! I was extremely paranoid when I first used this powder, I was afraid that I’m goin to look like a clown with an uneven thick and patchy powder on her face. Thankfully… clown? I am not! The powder stays matte through the whole damn humid day …

Thank god for the invention of foundation and powder!

Jazz it up

"Grew up with a small town Mentality
Yeah, it’s a universal frame of mind
I was trying to make the changes
But I couldn’t see (oh, why are we so blind
Couldn’t see above the bottom line

Searching for common ground
Used to bring me down
I had better ways to spend my days
Then I lost you in the crowd
I was so full of doubt
But that’s not the way I feel today"

[Love in a Peaceful : WorldLevel 42]

I do not like Britney Spears and her kind … I am not pop … although I do sometimes indulge on my own guilty pleasure but I wouldn’t share those with you. It is my deepest darkest secret that I would carry to my grave. Therefore I jazz when I fed her … it’s a start.

The very first month

Everyone said to have a v goodnight sleep during my pregnancy because people said once the baby is there, the possibilities is v little that I will have a good sleep. I nod and forget … until the day I came home from the hospital. The sleepless night begun … scared that I might not get to her in time if I put her too far on her bed (which only 15 steps from my bed) I placed her on the rocking bed beside my bed where she’s only an arm length away from me.

The most valuable advice that I get during my first week of being a mom is that I should get some sleep as well when the baby is sleeping (thanks to my MIL). But placing her beside me turned out to have its own consequences. I couldn’t get the sleep that I needed (badly!) because whenever she snorts, moans or make a mere move I would open my eyes widely and start to check on her anxiously. Sometimes I feel too afraid to even close my eyes – what if … she’s hungry and needed milk, she pee or poo, she puke … and the list goes on. If she started to cry frantically I would place her beside me and R on our bed. But … as the weeks goes … I started to get used to of Raysa’s routine. I managed to get 1 or 2 hours nap in between her sleeps.

Yes being a parent is as exhausting and challenging as what other people said. But on the other hand it is exhilarating and exciting … seeing her smile is the best ecstasy that one could have. So in order to indulge the exhilarating and exciting side more than the exhaustion and challenge I would not passed on any help that I could have. In the morning, I would send her to my Mom’s room so I could have my nap. In the afternoon, when my Dad came home, he would carry her so I could have a bit of a rest or eat my dinner in peace.

In a month she has grown by 1 kg and 5 cm, she’s now weighted 3.45 kg and 50 cm long. She can now laugh with us whenever we’re smiling at her and get mad whenever we’re making a joke out of her. She started to make that “ooh” and “aah” and even “arghhhh”. She can grip my finger tightly whenever I placed it on her hands. She started to lift her head (abit) and move from one side of the pillow to the other. She will reject the offering of a bottle if she doesn’t like it by slapping the bottle and pushing it out of her moth. She kicked v hard and strong. She bites her lower lips and munches it. She put her thumb (and occasionally her whole fingers) on her mouth. And she started to grown out of her new born clothes.

I couldn’t believe that she’s now 1 month old … time flies …

The day I gave birth

Bloated, tired and havent got a decent sleep in a month … but … I feel v content. Why? Because now each and every single day I could see my gift from god, to me it is the divine answer from him and the true proof of (one of) his many miracles … imagine what else he could have done for us?

Finally, after 9 v long months on the morning of the 6th September I gave birth to a baby girl (as expected) at RSPI Operation Room (not the maternity ward). Why not the maternity ward? Because instead of having a normal labour I was having a c-section. From 1 and a half month before the due date, me and R already discussed the possibility of a c-section with the doctor. We were scouring our option with the delivery method, trying to have the best possible option for the what if? I suggest the 6th of September for the surgery date. Not until 2 weeks before the operation we book the room and fill in all the forms needed … yes, eventually c-section was chosen because according to all the what if question it felt like the best possible option.

I couldn’t say that I was in my best condition on the day of the surgery, I was extremely tired because I couldn’t have a good night sleep for almost 2 weeks because the baby was kicking frantically, keeping me awake for the rest of the night. But you could say I was v relaxed … the weekend before the surgery me and R went for lunch and dinner out plus a movie as well … it released all the tension from work and the up-coming surgery.

When I came to the maternity ward for my before-the-operation check up, it was pretty empty. I was held up for several minutes there because there’s a sign of contraction so they have to consult with the doctor first before returning me to my room. Thank god it was a false alarm.

The next morning, I was wheeled down to the OR just few minutes before subuh and still pretty much asleep. The anesthesiologist was a v sweet lady, she’s not that old but looked like she’s experienced a lot. A guy in a scrub hold my hand tight as she administered the epidural on my back, I felt a jolt of pain as the needle hit my back – I was always afraid of the needle BTW. I was trembling so much afterward, no I don’t believe it was because I was nervous – the OR was always so damn cold and the effect of the epidural make me tremble even worst. The nurse finally put another blanket to cover my body but frankly … it didn’t help much … but thank you for the effort though! Several minutes later I could hear the anesthesiologist announced the arrival of the doctor who will be assisting the operation … after that … I was deeply asleep. I didn’t remember anything from the operation.

Eventually it was exactly 05:41 AM, after 10 minutes of slicing and digging up my stomach the doctors finally deliver my baby girl to the world. Since I was extremely tired I was totally unconscious (shame on me!) on the operation table - where according to other people an epidural anesthetics were supposedly a local one – the nurse have to wake me up when she was taken out of my stomach. Dazed and confused, I saw her carried to my side, I was moved … I kissed her on the forehead and thank god for the chance he’s giving me – being a mother.

Her name is Raysa … a leader …

Baby Raysa, 3 days old